Ferk You Too

It is almost 5 months since my last blog post, so I’ll just write up this opinion piece here.

First of all, piracy is something Somalians do. I’m not a pirate. I don’t have a pegleg, or a hook hand, or a beat up but still functioning Kalashnikov rifle I got off the black market for some kidneys that I removed from a lost tourist using a plastic butter knife and salad tongs.

I am a user of peer-to-peer networks. I do not care to disclose the sorts of things that I obtain from these, but it is the most efficient way to download large files such as open source operating systems, that’s for sure.

Put on your hypothetical hypothetical thinking caps for a second, and let’s lure the idea that I download copyrighted materials such as TV shows and songs from these P2P networks out of the crapper. I’m not a pirate. I don’t hire wenches, or tell people to walk the plank, or hold white people and their boats for ransom. In the scope of our hypothetical thinking, I procure songs and shows in a way that the RIAA and MPAA do not necessarily approve of.

I’m not a thief. I do not remove anything from anybody’s possession. I do not claim what is not mine. I do not claim credit for any works that are not mine.I support the artists I like. If I were to download an album, and I like it, and their record company isn’t completely evil, I’d pay for it. Example, The Wretch over at Magatune.com. Sometimes a band can be so face-meltingly awesome that I’ll forgive the evil record company for once, so I’d buy one album. Judas Priest, why the hell are you with Sony BMG? I could be a far more loyal customer!

Same goes for movies and shows. NBC’s Life would be on the same shelf as Judas Priest. Still pondering whether or not to buy Season 2 when it comes out, now that the Nude Baboon Commission canceled it. Hey, NBC, stop murdering your good shows!

The formula for winning me over as a loyal customer is this: good material, reasonable price, and a publishing/record/production company that won’t hunt me down with legal guns a-suing if I choose to try before I buy. Also, no DRM.

Oh, yeah DRM. I also put that in the title (the masturbatory lawsuits thing is kind of evenly distributed, like a chocolate chip topping).

I actually fully support a company’s rights to package their products as they see fit, even if that involves some kind of whackjob encryption scheme. I just think it’s a stupid idea, and no legislation should be passed about it. Though I do find it hilarious that any effective DRM scheme requires the use of encryption, and therefore can’t be sold to embargoed countries (and the feds do take it seriously, as I found out working on a project for a client of mine).

Say I buy a song, DRM-encumbered from a company, let’s call them Fun2Play, Inc. Fun2Play sells songs that have DRM on them. I can only play them with the Fun2Play player, which only runs on the Fun2Run operating system. Well bah-bah-blacksheep, I say! I run GNU/Linux! I wanna play the song using VLC!

So I spend a few days with twenty-two pots of coffee, and figure out that the songs are really .OGG files, encrypted using the SHA1 hash of the word “ppppt”. Apparently I cracked SHA1 too. I am now able to play the song I bought anywhere I want!

I blog all about my findings here, and then Fun2Play Inc. comes after me.

“Yo dawg i herd u liek crackin drm schemes so I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT!!!“

Now here’s where I take issue with DRM. I’ve still not stolen anything, I just managed to crack your silly DRM scheme. I just wanted to play it on multiple machines.So you companies that use DRM, sure, go right ahead. Just remember two things:

1. Congrats. You’ve forfeited every customer who understands the meaning of DRM.
2. Except for the determined few who will crack your DRM scheme. They WILL crack it, they always do. You can’t win.

 I guess that just about covers it. Now what did you learn?

• Don’t be an asshole.
• Don’t chase people down for “piracy”, or people like me will “pirate” more.
• The aforementioned pirates aren’t pirates.
• Don’t waste your time on DRM.
• I don’t rob people, and neither should you.

Thanks for reading, and don’t sue me. If you do, then I’ll look at you like this: 

Tags: Masturbation, DRM, P2P, RIAA & MPAA, Gorb, Obsessions, Pedophilia, Computers, Programming, Abstract, Things that Grow Rapidly, Inter-tubes by Tuna
No Comments »

I made a wiki on my new site all about the UPS and their evil plot involving their all-powerful sock weapons. If you know anything about the UPS, please edit that wiki page and share what you know with the world! You may edit anonymously if that would make you feel safer.

Tags: Pedophilia, Rabbits, TunaWiki, Obsessions, Things that Grow Rapidly, UPS socks, News, My Life, Computers, Abstract, Inter-tubes by Tuna
No Comments »

In about three sittings within 24 hours, I have written my very own software for an automatically-updating webcam thingy McBob. You may view it here.

TUNA TUNA CANIHAVE IT PLZ PLZ I’LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND I PROMISE OMG OMG PLZZZZZZZZ

Down, boy, down!

It’s all a fairly nasty little hack, hardly distributable, and it will probably take more effort to make it redistributable than it did to actually develop the thing. So if you want it, you’ll have to wait or write your own. I will eventually write a post explaining in depth precisely how I did it.

Oh, btw, I replaced the old http://supertunaman.com with a wiki. Hope you don’t mind.

Tags: Pedophilia, Rabbits, Abstract, Computers, News, My Life, Inter-tubes by Tuna
No Comments »

http://supertunaman.com/prof_lepus/

Parts 1 and 2, respectively, in FLV format. If your computer can’t play them, then download VLC and open the files with that.

Apparently, that weirdo toothpaste company made this video a long time ago to brainwash kids into buying their products, and lately they’ve been trying to remove the videos from the internet out of embarrassment. As you download this, keep this in mind.

Tags: Pedophilia, Rabbits, Abstract, Religion, Inter-tubes, Other by Tuna
No Comments »

Yeppers.

http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html

Tags: Politics, Things that Grow Rapidly, Abstract, TeenLUG, News, Computers, Inter-tubes by Tuna
No Comments »

Yes, I’m still trying.

I needed the UPS to come by my front door, so I ordered two GB of RAM from Newegg. I’m sure I’ll find a use for it later. It was due to come in yesterday, but I know the UPS, and they know me. They want to be unpredictable, so they delivered it today. But I was expecting this, you see.

So I waited for the UPS man to come to my door. He rang the doorbell, and was instantly put out by 10,000 volts of electricity. I snatched my 2GB of RAM from him, and ran inside. Then I hear the
doorbell again. I grab my UPS tranquilizer and approach slowly…

Meanwhile, in real life, the UPS man rings the doorbell, and I manage to open the door before he scurries away to his cozy little truck.

• “Hey, UPS man!”

He stopped in his tracks, turned around, and said…

• “How may I help you sir?”
• “Where can I get UPS socks?”
• “Uh… Uh… Here!”

With a sweaty hand he shoved a brown and yellow piece of paper at me with the company’s 1-800 number on it.

• “The 800 number’s on there. Take it! TAKE IT AND DON’T TELL ANYONE!!!”
• “Okay, thanks!”

He bolted to his truck and floored it. He wasn’t expecting anything good to come of this.

I picked up my 2GB of RAM off the ground and retreated inside where the UPS spy satellites can’t see me and called the 1-800 number. The woman who answered was not a woman at all but a robot. I had the feeling that she was about to send her toaster boyfriend to fry me if I didn’t give her a tracking number or just hang up.

• ” Tracking number?”
• “That is not a valid tracking number. Please try again or be fried by my laser satellite girlfriends, who are practicing their aim at your dog.”

As my dog was being fried Chicago-style outside, I frantically looked around. Poor little Abby was about well done when I said…

• “42!”
• “That order was placed back before I was just a KitchenAid food processor, you dumb-ass carbon life-form. If you want to speak to another pathetic human, then please say so now in your stupid ambiguous human language.”
• “Yes, please!”

I was forwarded to an actual woman this time. She sounded like a drill sargeant in boot camp.

• “SIR! THANK YOU FOR CALLING UPS SIR! HOW MAY I HELP YOU SIR!”
• “Yeah, hi, I was wondering if I could get UPS merchandise anywhere?”
• “WHAT KIND OF MERCHANDISE SIR!”
• “Well I saw a man driving a UPS truck the other day, and I noticed he was wearing these nice UPS socks. Where can I get socks like that?”
• “SIR! I DON’T KNOW IF THEY ARE OR ARE NOT SELLING SUCH MERCHANDISE, SIR!, OR IF THEY ARE WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE SELLING IT TO CUSTOMERS, SIR! SORRY SIR!”
• “Okay, thanks, goodbye.”
• “SIR! HAVE A NICE DAY SIR!”

She was scary. But this does confirm three suspicions that I’ve had about UPS.

1. They are indeed in cahoots with the military, making this a national conspiracy
2. Not all of the employees are aware of who they truly work for, but some of them know something…
3. These socks must contain some kind of superweapon. I must have them!

I don’t want eBay socks or CraigsList socks. I want UPS socks. Get them anywhere else, and they’ve probably already been decommissioned. I need to get them from the source, before it’s too late.

Tags: UPS socks, Military, Politics, Abstract, Religion, My Life by Tuna
1 Comment »

I truly believe that there is nothing that ever occurred without somehow making it to Youtube.

Tags: Abstract, Inter-tubes, Other by Tuna
2 Comments »

I finally got my book today! YAY!

I can now speak to people in a strange tongue and no one will understand me! I will be IMPERCEIVABLE MAN!!!

However, my quest for UPS-branded socks has yet to be fruitful. Here’s the email I sent to UPS corporate:

 Dear Service of Posting that is United,

I was on the way home from a dentist appointment and I was abruptly
stopped by a red light. I looked to my right, and saw a big brown UPS
truck. Oh, what a majestic brown it was with gold lettering and logo. I
looked at the man driving it (you have good drivers, by the way) and he
was nicely dressed in his UPS uniform. The thing that stood out the
most, however, were the socks.

What great socks they were, brown with a gold trim and a nice
embroidered UPS logo above the ankle. They really represent your
business well.

I am wondering where I can get these socks? Do you have them for sale
some place? You should open up an online Merchandise store. You’d be
rich(er)!

I think that you should also know just how quick and reliable your
service is. I ordered a book from Barnes and Noble on Sunday, and your
tracking service says that it went from Kentucky to Phoenix in 20
minutes!!! How do you do it? It is now (apparently) loaded in a truck
and I’ll have it tomorrow. How great you are! I give you my thumbs UPS!

thanks!
-tuna

Well that’s a nice email. I complemented their business and the men and women in brown who serve them daily. But here is the ungrateful, half-hearted response I got…

Dear Tuna,

Thank you for your inquiry.Your comments are very important to us.
Customer feedback allows us to continually improve our services. Please
note that comments such as these help when planning the design and
function of all UPS merchandise and are highly appreciated.
Unfortunately, UPS does not have merchandise for sale.

Please contact us if you need any additional assistance.

Shakira Hanson
UPS Customer Service

What is that??? He didn’t even parse his punctuation correctly in that first line there, which I find extremely insulting. He went on to completely ignore my nice comments about them, and condescendingly reject my inquiry with a simple “We do not have UPS merchandise for sale.”  I must say, those guys are really good at making us bloggers look like geeky little teenage weirdos, learning obscure languages that nobody speaks and trying to get free swag from… what?

I’m not going to give up. I’m going to GET some UPS socks. I’m making a whole category about it.

Tags: UPS socks, Abstract, My Life, News, Other by Tuna
3 Comments »

I want a turban like that…

Tags: Abstract, Inter-tubes by Tuna
No Comments »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_talk:63.230.231.189

 That is the talk page for my schools IP address. Apparently, people at my school have been abusing Wikipedia from the school computers. In fact, I am sitting next to people who are doing it right now. I’ll fix it later, I’m too lazy at the moment

Tags: School, Abstract, Inter-tubes by Tuna
5 Comments »