Ferk You Too
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Political posts ain’t my thing, but…
This was just too good. Quote from IRC channel #teensonlinux
* AlgorithmicContr is feeling sorry for John McCain. He’s matching wits with Paris Hilton, and it’s a draw.
<Vargstierna> that totally doesn’t make sense, wits is a plural but two halves only add up to one
UPS is… the Military?
Yes, I’m still trying.
I needed the UPS to come by my front door, so I ordered two GB of RAM from Newegg. I’m sure I’ll find a use for it later. It was due to come in yesterday, but I know the UPS, and they know me. They want to be unpredictable, so they delivered it today. But I was expecting this, you see.
So I waited for the UPS man to come to my door. He rang the doorbell, and was instantly put out by 10,000 volts of electricity. I snatched my 2GB of RAM from him, and ran inside. Then I hear the
doorbell again. I grab my UPS tranquilizer and approach slowly…
Meanwhile, in real life, the UPS man rings the doorbell, and I manage to open the door before he scurries away to his cozy little truck.
- “Hey, UPS man!”
He stopped in his tracks, turned around, and said…
- “How may I help you sir?”
- “Where can I get UPS socks?”
- “Uh… Uh… Here!”
With a sweaty hand he shoved a brown and yellow piece of paper at me with the company’s 1-800 number on it.
- “The 800 number’s on there. Take it! TAKE IT AND DON’T TELL ANYONE!!!”
- “Okay, thanks!”
He bolted to his truck and floored it. He wasn’t expecting anything good to come of this.
I picked up my 2GB of RAM off the ground and retreated inside where the UPS spy satellites can’t see me and called the 1-800 number. The woman who answered was not a woman at all but a robot. I had the feeling that she was about to send her toaster boyfriend to fry me if I didn’t give her a tracking number or just hang up.
- ” Tracking number?”
- “That is not a valid tracking number. Please try again or be fried by my laser satellite girlfriends, who are practicing their aim at your dog.”
As my dog was being fried Chicago-style outside, I frantically looked around. Poor little Abby was about well done when I said…
- “42!”
- “That order was placed back before I was just a KitchenAid food processor, you dumb-ass carbon life-form. If you want to speak to another pathetic human, then please say so now in your stupid ambiguous human language.”
- “Yes, please!”
I was forwarded to an actual woman this time. She sounded like a drill sargeant in boot camp.
- “SIR! THANK YOU FOR CALLING UPS SIR! HOW MAY I HELP YOU SIR!”
- “Yeah, hi, I was wondering if I could get UPS merchandise anywhere?”
- “WHAT KIND OF MERCHANDISE SIR!”
- “Well I saw a man driving a UPS truck the other day, and I noticed he was wearing these nice UPS socks. Where can I get socks like that?”
- “SIR! I DON’T KNOW IF THEY ARE OR ARE NOT SELLING SUCH MERCHANDISE, SIR!, OR IF THEY ARE WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE SELLING IT TO CUSTOMERS, SIR! SORRY SIR!”
- “Okay, thanks, goodbye.”
- “SIR! HAVE A NICE DAY SIR!”
She was scary. But this does confirm three suspicions that I’ve had about UPS.
- They are indeed in cahoots with the military, making this a national conspiracy
- Not all of the employees are aware of who they truly work for, but some of them know something…
- These socks must contain some kind of superweapon. I must have them!
I don’t want eBay socks or CraigsList socks. I want UPS socks. Get them anywhere else, and they’ve probably already been decommissioned. I need to get them from the source, before it’s too late.
I’m just not into Pokemon…
I was talking to the kind people in ##RonPaul on FreeNode just now and I have decided that I shall no longer discuss any more sensitive issues with anyone at my school. Here’s what happens when I do.
- Me: You know, I really don’t see why we should outlaw gay marriage.
- Right-winger: [nearly chokes on food] Beg your pardon?
- Me: Yeah, I mean, should we really lead a secular nation like a theocracy?
- Right-winger: Uh… YEAH! What are you, liberal?
- Me: Well… yeah…
- Right-winger: [shouting] Hey! Everyone! Come look at the freak liberal!
Next day…
- Other Right-winger: Hey [snickers] Are you a…
- Me: Am I a… what?
- Other Right-winger: A… [giggles] a liberal?
- Me: [leaves]
Absolutely everyone at my school is like this. Nobody likes that heretic liberal! He’s such a fag. We should get our Crusader outfits and pillage and rape him (The football team is actually called the Crusaders, and the Christmas ball was “Crusader Christmas”). So I am going to do something different:
This really works. I’ve done it before on these people. It’s power is infinite. Thank God for xkcd!
(By the way, if you actually read this whole post and you go to my school, I do appreciate it. At least you’re listening to me.)