http://supertunaman.com/prof_lepus/
Parts 1 and 2, respectively, in FLV format. If your computer can’t play them, then download VLC and open the files with that.
Apparently, that weirdo toothpaste company made this video a long time ago to brainwash kids into buying their products, and lately they’ve been trying to remove the videos from the internet out of embarrassment. As you download this, keep this in mind.
Yes, I’m still trying.
I needed the UPS to come by my front door, so I ordered two GB of RAM from Newegg. I’m sure I’ll find a use for it later. It was due to come in yesterday, but I know the UPS, and they know me. They want to be unpredictable, so they delivered it today. But I was expecting this, you see.
So I waited for the UPS man to come to my door. He rang the doorbell, and was instantly put out by 10,000 volts of electricity. I snatched my 2GB of RAM from him, and ran inside. Then I hear the
doorbell again. I grab my UPS tranquilizer and approach slowly…
Meanwhile, in real life, the UPS man rings the doorbell, and I manage to open the door before he scurries away to his cozy little truck.
- “Hey, UPS man!”
He stopped in his tracks, turned around, and said…
- “How may I help you sir?”
- “Where can I get UPS socks?”
- “Uh… Uh… Here!”
With a sweaty hand he shoved a brown and yellow piece of paper at me with the company’s 1-800 number on it.
- “The 800 number’s on there. Take it! TAKE IT AND DON’T TELL ANYONE!!!”
- “Okay, thanks!”
He bolted to his truck and floored it. He wasn’t expecting anything good to come of this.
I picked up my 2GB of RAM off the ground and retreated inside where the UPS spy satellites can’t see me and called the 1-800 number. The woman who answered was not a woman at all but a robot. I had the feeling that she was about to send her toaster boyfriend to fry me if I didn’t give her a tracking number or just hang up.
- ” Tracking number?”
- “That is not a valid tracking number. Please try again or be fried by my laser satellite girlfriends, who are practicing their aim at your dog.”
As my dog was being fried Chicago-style outside, I frantically looked around. Poor little Abby was about well done when I said…
- “42!”
- “That order was placed back before I was just a KitchenAid food processor, you dumb-ass carbon life-form. If you want to speak to another pathetic human, then please say so now in your stupid ambiguous human language.”
- “Yes, please!”
I was forwarded to an actual woman this time. She sounded like a drill sargeant in boot camp.
- “SIR! THANK YOU FOR CALLING UPS SIR! HOW MAY I HELP YOU SIR!”
- “Yeah, hi, I was wondering if I could get UPS merchandise anywhere?”
- “WHAT KIND OF MERCHANDISE SIR!”
- “Well I saw a man driving a UPS truck the other day, and I noticed he was wearing these nice UPS socks. Where can I get socks like that?”
- “SIR! I DON’T KNOW IF THEY ARE OR ARE NOT SELLING SUCH MERCHANDISE, SIR!, OR IF THEY ARE WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE SELLING IT TO CUSTOMERS, SIR! SORRY SIR!”
- “Okay, thanks, goodbye.”
- “SIR! HAVE A NICE DAY SIR!”
She was scary. But this does confirm three suspicions that I’ve had about UPS.
I don’t want eBay socks or CraigsList socks. I want UPS socks. Get them anywhere else, and they’ve probably already been decommissioned. I need to get them from the source, before it’s too late.
Figured I should post an actual update, so here it is.
OSCON was friggin awesome!
Oh, and I went to OSCON.
“But Mr. Tuna, your McAwesomeness, what the cactaur is an OSCON?”
Well, OSCON is a very special event where nerds and geeks and hackers like me from around the world get together in Portland and talk about Open Source Software. I just happened to be a speaker there. My topic was about how FOSS can appeal to teenagers. Here is the O’Reilly page for the talk and here is my talk on Google Video. Yes, I wear that hat everywhere.
I was talking to the kind people in ##RonPaul on FreeNode just now and I have decided that I shall no longer discuss any more sensitive issues with anyone at my school. Here’s what happens when I do.
Next day…
Absolutely everyone at my school is like this. Nobody likes that heretic liberal! He’s such a fag. We should get our Crusader outfits and pillage and rape him (The football team is actually called the Crusaders, and the Christmas ball was “Crusader Christmas”). So I am going to do something different:
This really works. I’ve done it before on these people. It’s power is infinite. Thank God for xkcd!
(By the way, if you actually read this whole post and you go to my school, I do appreciate it. At least you’re listening to me.)
